I began this journey thinking I'd get a job in a few months upon moving to the Bay Area. Even if I couldn't find my ideal job, I would settle for something where I'd still learn and contribute toward something useful and work my way along.
How wrong and simple-minded I was.
Like most plans, it fell apart pretty quickly. I was hit so hard by the Wall of Guilt when I first arrived. Guilt for living with and depending on relatives. Guilt for not being an employed person contributing to society. Guilt for having so much free time while others had such busy work and errand-filled lives. The excess seemed sinful. And confusing. For someone who worked for the past five years, having back 40 hours a week of unstructured time was a complete 180.
I realized I had defined myself predominantly on my identity as an full-time employee and as an independent-living adult. It didn't apply anymore, so guilt, confusion and loss settled. I worked my way through these feelings by relearning my personal value. There is value in unemployment; for me, it's a surprising time of self-reflection and growth.
First, I have a lifestyle that is time-rich and money-poor. Previously, I spent much of my leisure time buying stuff. Now, I have to find activities instead of stuff. I volunteer regularly at food organizations in the city. I attend food education events and go to foodie book club, meeting new people and making a few friends along the way. I explore San Francisco neighborhoods; I've walked around 70% of this city's neighborhoods by now, falling in love with each step. I am cultivating relationships with relatives and friends over meals, cooking in the kitchen, hiking, playing and running errands together. I have a library card and I read like a fiend. I write more regularly in my journal than I did before. And I write in this blog.
I still have pangs of "I want that pretty dress in the window. Must. Have." Being unemployed did not inoculate me against conspicuous consumption. Though I am more consistently spending money on experiences. Overall, I'm reminding myself of the value of my time and reaffirming the importance of using time to cultivate myself, which is more sustainable than cultivating stuff.
Secondly, I'm practicing living minimally more effectively than before. I arrived with three suitcases filled with belongings. My family has sent two packages with a few things I left behind, but in general, I'm learning to appreciate and use all the stuff I own. I find when I do laundry, I complain to myself I have too many things to dry and fold, which is new and refreshing.
I still remember the pain of moving out of my old apartment. I loved that one bedroom place to bits, but bought furniture and stuff to fill it. Now living in a basement room, I keep it clean and sparse, noting if I've put an object away without using it for several weeks, I probably didn't need it. Eventually, I will have to move to another place and I don't want to lug too many things up hills and stairs.
Finally, I am growing more accustomed to unstructured time. I still create To Do lists and use a calendar to note events and appointments; habits die hard. I stopped planning out each day from rise to sleep. Instead of measuring the worth of my day by adding up the ticks on my To Do list, I am creating a habit of setting daily intentions and living by them.
I sometimes get nervous and unsure about this time of unemployment. Past standards creep back into my mind or I get nostalgic about my old life. I let them pass as best I can, though probably after I've exercised or journaled. I recently read a book that reminded me (sadly) that the US has one of the longest working hours of developed countries. I think of how often in interviews my answer to "What's your greatest strength?" is "My work ethic" and how limiting that perspective is. When I left work, I missed it because it gave me structure and a steady flow of projects to be completed, and thus, a steady sense of accomplishment and purpose. What blinders I had on! How incredibly clueless that I was deeply stuck in a rut.
I'm not going to be unemployed forever. I love to learn, create, improve, and relate to people and I think a workplace is one of many places to do that. This unstructured-fluid-unemployment-leisure-time-sabbatical thing has been a necessary shock to my system.
How wrong and simple-minded I was.
Like most plans, it fell apart pretty quickly. I was hit so hard by the Wall of Guilt when I first arrived. Guilt for living with and depending on relatives. Guilt for not being an employed person contributing to society. Guilt for having so much free time while others had such busy work and errand-filled lives. The excess seemed sinful. And confusing. For someone who worked for the past five years, having back 40 hours a week of unstructured time was a complete 180.
I realized I had defined myself predominantly on my identity as an full-time employee and as an independent-living adult. It didn't apply anymore, so guilt, confusion and loss settled. I worked my way through these feelings by relearning my personal value. There is value in unemployment; for me, it's a surprising time of self-reflection and growth.
First, I have a lifestyle that is time-rich and money-poor. Previously, I spent much of my leisure time buying stuff. Now, I have to find activities instead of stuff. I volunteer regularly at food organizations in the city. I attend food education events and go to foodie book club, meeting new people and making a few friends along the way. I explore San Francisco neighborhoods; I've walked around 70% of this city's neighborhoods by now, falling in love with each step. I am cultivating relationships with relatives and friends over meals, cooking in the kitchen, hiking, playing and running errands together. I have a library card and I read like a fiend. I write more regularly in my journal than I did before. And I write in this blog.
I still have pangs of "I want that pretty dress in the window. Must. Have." Being unemployed did not inoculate me against conspicuous consumption. Though I am more consistently spending money on experiences. Overall, I'm reminding myself of the value of my time and reaffirming the importance of using time to cultivate myself, which is more sustainable than cultivating stuff.
Secondly, I'm practicing living minimally more effectively than before. I arrived with three suitcases filled with belongings. My family has sent two packages with a few things I left behind, but in general, I'm learning to appreciate and use all the stuff I own. I find when I do laundry, I complain to myself I have too many things to dry and fold, which is new and refreshing.
I still remember the pain of moving out of my old apartment. I loved that one bedroom place to bits, but bought furniture and stuff to fill it. Now living in a basement room, I keep it clean and sparse, noting if I've put an object away without using it for several weeks, I probably didn't need it. Eventually, I will have to move to another place and I don't want to lug too many things up hills and stairs.
Finally, I am growing more accustomed to unstructured time. I still create To Do lists and use a calendar to note events and appointments; habits die hard. I stopped planning out each day from rise to sleep. Instead of measuring the worth of my day by adding up the ticks on my To Do list, I am creating a habit of setting daily intentions and living by them.
I sometimes get nervous and unsure about this time of unemployment. Past standards creep back into my mind or I get nostalgic about my old life. I let them pass as best I can, though probably after I've exercised or journaled. I recently read a book that reminded me (sadly) that the US has one of the longest working hours of developed countries. I think of how often in interviews my answer to "What's your greatest strength?" is "My work ethic" and how limiting that perspective is. When I left work, I missed it because it gave me structure and a steady flow of projects to be completed, and thus, a steady sense of accomplishment and purpose. What blinders I had on! How incredibly clueless that I was deeply stuck in a rut.
I'm not going to be unemployed forever. I love to learn, create, improve, and relate to people and I think a workplace is one of many places to do that. This unstructured-fluid-unemployment-leisure-time-sabbatical thing has been a necessary shock to my system.
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